My mum was a very spiritual person who loved God above everything else, I always thought that she had a direct line to God, as she always had the right answers, and always said the right things. She taught me the Bible up until the age of 11, took me to Church, and made me go to Sunday school (kicking and screaming), but I never truly got it, and I questioned everything to do with religion and spirituality, and basically once I’d let the illness of addiction take over I then did everything I could to fight against it.
I now see that this was why I was never truly happy, and my life constantly spiraled downwards.
In the first AA meeting I attended after my ultimate descent, there came a few short sentences that cut through the darkness, and at that moment I found the jigsaw piece that helped me start to complete the puzzle.
“We found the solution through a Higher Power. This Higher Power is within us.”
“But we found that by ourselves we could not. It is when we cease striving and turn to God as we understand Him.”
I now understand that my mums God was hers and hers alone, how she understood her God, that it doesn’t matter if you are a Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Judaism, Buddhist, Sikh, Confucianist, Taoist, or any other religion, if your spiritual and you know your higher power, your God, then that’s good enough.
I find now that even just after the short time of 4 months of being part of the AA family and finding my higher power, I don’t have to fully know my God, my higher power, it’s like making a new friend, you never know them fully at first (if ever), the interest and joy comes from getting to know them, and finding out something new about them each time you are with them.
The relationship is in the seeking, in being present, and having fun, and as the title says I now find that the more I seek my goodness, the more I find my God’ness, this isn’t to imply I think I’m becoming a God, that would be ridiculous, 4 months ago I couldn’t even manage my own life (and still need a lot of help), no this means that I have started to make space within me on a daily basis and that space is filled with my Gods, God’ness, and this doesn’t need divine intervention, stigmata, or the clouds to be parted by angels playing harps, all it needs is for me to wake up every morning and be ready to seek out my goodness.
Seeking
My mother, a conduit, whispered prayers,
her God a constant hum, a guiding star.
I chased her scripture, a child in tow,
but doubt, a serpent, coiled within my soul.
Faith, a flimsy cloak, couldn't shield the storm,
addiction's grip, a chilling, hollow form.
I spiralled down, a frantic, endless chase,
no answer found in that forsaken space.
Then, in the hush of shared despair, a spark,
a whispered truth that pierced the endless dark.
"A Higher Power," they said, "within us lies,"
a revelation born from tear-filled eyes.
My mother's God, a singular belief,
transcended labels, offered sweet relief.
No matter the name, the temple, or the creed,
the path unfolds for those who truly need.
Four months I've walked, a babe on shaky ground,
this Higher Power, a mystery profound.
A friendship blooms, a bond yet to define,
each sunrise brings a chance to make it mine.
Goodness, a compass, guides me through the day,
a daily quest that leads me on my way.
No need for visions, miracles, or might,
just the quiet strength to choose what's right.
The seeking itself, a sacred, holy dance,
a space I carve to find a higher chance.
My God'ness unfolds, a gentle, warming light,
not some grand deity, but simply what is right.
This journey starts anew with every dawn,
no longer lost, but rising, reborn.
