Waking up in the morning, especially on Mondays, used to be absolutely horrific for me. The moment my eyes opened, fear would rear its ugly head, instantly gripping me. I would lie there in bed, my stomach churning, a deep nausea spreading through me. It felt like an overwhelming sense of impending doom was hanging over me, and all I wanted was to close my eyes and never wake up again. The thought of facing the day ahead seemed unbearable, and every minute spent lying there only intensified the dread.
Eventually, I would peel myself out of bed and drag myself to the shower, but the anxiety didn’t stop. If anything, it got worse. The worry, self-loathing, and guilt hit me in waves, and I’d end up physically sick, vomiting with no control over my body. I would stand there, heaving in the shower, wishing for an escape from the torment that I felt inside. Most days, this crushing fear and dread would follow me throughout the morning until I could no longer resist it. I’d eventually give in and reach for that first drink of the day. My hand would reach for the bottle of whiskey stashed in my work bag, and I would take a few swigs, sitting alone in my car before going into work. That first drink was just the beginning; one would turn into several, and several into many more, until I was lost in oblivion. Then the next morning, the same cycle would start all over again.
Now, my number one priority each day is completely different. It’s no longer about numbing my feelings with alcohol, but about maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. This connection grounds me and helps me approach life with an attitude of gratitude, living in the moment instead of getting lost in past regrets or future worries. Each day, I strive to be the most authentic version of myself, which means showing up sober, honest, and present. It’s not always easy, but I’ve learned that by focusing on these principles, I can break that vicious cycle that used to control me. By staying committed to this new way of living, I’ve found a level of happiness and usefulness I never thought possible. Sobriety has given me the freedom to face each day with courage, without needing to escape into a bottle. The weight of self-loathing has lifted, and though I still face challenges, I no longer feel consumed by dread. I’ve come to realise that each day is an opportunity to grow, to connect, and to be the best version of myself. That’s a cycle worth living for
Morning Dread to Daily Reprieve
In morning’s chill, a dread would seize my heart,
A fearsome spectre, lurking in the dark.
My eyes would open, and the world seemed grey,
A heavy weight upon my soul that day.
My stomach churned, a nauseous, sinking feel,
As doom approached, a threat I couldn’t heal.
I’d lie in bed, a prisoner of fear,
Wishing sleep would last throughout the year.
The thought of facing day brought endless dread,
A heavy burden on my weary head.
I’d drag myself from bed, a lifeless shell,
As anxiety began to take its toll.
Self-loathing, guilt, and worry, waves would crash,
As sickness struck, my body felt a flash.
I’d heave and retch, a desperate, fruitless plea,
For respite from the torment that I’d see.
The morning’s dread would haunt me through the day,
Until I’d give in, without delay.
My hand would reach, a desperate, final plea,
For whiskey’s warmth, a temporary reprieve.
One drink became two, then many more,
As darkness claimed me, shutting every door.
The cycle would repeat, a vicious game,
As morning’s dread returned, a constant flame.
But now, a different path, a hopeful light,
A conscious connection, guiding me aright.
Gratitude and presence fill my weary soul,
As past regrets and future worries slowly roll.
I strive to be authentic, true and free,
To face each day with courage, wild and glee.
Though challenges arise, I’ve found a way,
To break the cycle, come what may.
Sobriety has granted me a gift,
A life of purpose, joy, and uplift.
I face each day with courage, unafraid,
The weight of dread forever lifted, swayed.
