One of the things that used to lead me into the realm of escape in drunken delirium was the overwhelming confusion of life’s choices, especially the pressure to make the right one. Even when I believed I was making the right choice, my mind would often betray me, filling me with doubt, confusion, regret, worry, and fear.
Over the last few days, my new sobriety has been tested by difficult life, family, and relationship choices. Without delving into too much detail, there has been a clash of priorities, compounded by a layer of resentment (not mine). It’s truly strange how recovery works. As you get better and become more present, you start to realise that those you love are also struggling with their own mental battles and resentments. As they see you improving and gaining a support network, with more friends calling just to check in, and your social life expanding through AA meetings, their resentment shifts. It moves from anger over your alcoholism, lying, hiding, and coming home to pass out on the couch, to frustration over the time you spend with your AA friends, neglect of family responsibilities, and making plans that don’t involve them.
However, I believe I passed this test. Instead of sitting in the car drinking to escape the confusion, I’m here writing down my thoughts, reflecting on how I’m feeling and understanding why those in my life feel the way they do.
Reflecting on this journey, I realise that the mess created during my drinking days isn’t easily cleaned up by merely finishing the Steps, making amends, or staying sober for six months. Becoming a better dad or husband doesn’t instantly erase the stains and marks left behind. These blemishes become more apparent as you tidy up the bulk of the mess that once covered them. It takes the wear of time to truly remove these deeper stains in your relationships, reminding me that recovery is a continuous process, requiring patience and understanding.
Unravelling
Once, a fog of choices cloaked my mind,
A labyrinth of paths, a daunting climb.
Drunk on despair, I’d seek escape,
A numbing refuge from life’s relentless rape.
Even when certain, doubt would creep and hide,
A venomous serpent, dark and wide.
Now sober, tested by life’s cruel art,
A hurricane rages, tearing me apart.
Loved ones struggle, their battles unseen,
Resentment’s undertow, a bitter scene.
As I grow stronger, their shadows creep,
A twisted dance of envy, dark and deep.
No longer drowning, I face the storm,
Writing through the chaos, finding form.
The scars of drinking, deep and wide,
Time’s gentle hand, my only guide.
Recovery’s journey, a lifelong quest,
Patience and understanding, put to the test.
