My usual Tuesday morning routine involves an early start, allowing me to attend the 7am sunrise AA Step 11 meeting across the road from the office. However, one morning, upon returning to work and starting to make coffee, I was unexpectedly confronted by another manager. His first question was about my mysterious early morning disappearances on Tuesdays and Thursdays, followed by a barrage of inquiries about my general morning activities.
Initially, I truthfully explained my attendance at a morning meditation meeting and Tuesday/Thursday walks. Unsatisfied, my colleague persisted with his questioning. Feeling compelled to protect my anonymity within AA, I resorted to dishonesty, weaving a fabricated story to deflect his attention. Eventually, my lies ceased as I steered the conversation towards meditation and spirituality, topics I genuinely engage with.
The subsequent guilt and discomfort over my deception were significant. Despite understanding the necessity of the lie to maintain my professional standing, it conflicted with my commitment to honesty in recovery. Seeking solace, I spent my lunch break meditating in a local church field, seeking guidance from my higher power. This reflection provided some relief, acknowledging a kernel of truth within my fabricated story and the potential consequences of full disclosure.
The contrast between my current life and my past was stark. Once, I would have openly boasted about lunchtime pints and whisky without hesitation. Now, my sobriety and commitment to personal growth forced me into a position of deception. The irony of this situation was not lost on me; the positive changes I had made were causing me more stress than my previous harmful behaviors.
The following morning, I shared my experience at the AA meeting, finding relief through open discussion. Afterward, a supportive fellow member, who had faced similar challenges, offered invaluable reassurance. His understanding and empathy completely dissolved my lingering guilt and remorse.
This experience reinforced the power of AA and the fellowship’s unwavering support. The meeting’s closing reminder – “Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here” – resonated deeply. Some people require this sanctuary to maintain their sobriety and lead fulfilling lives.
Morning Shadows
Tuesday dawn, a ritual start,
Step Eleven's promise, a healing art.
Office doors, a coffee's brew,
Unexpected query, a piercing view.
Where do I go? A curious mind,
A web of questions, hard to unwind.
Meditation's calm, a truthful guise,
But shadows deepen, as queries rise.
To shield a secret, a painful plight,
Honesty's compass, dimmed by night.
Guilt's heavy burden, a soul's despair,
Seeking solace, in fields of prayer.
A past of shadows, a present's gleam,
Sobriety's journey, a fragile dream.
Irony's bitter, a twisted jest,
Healing wounds, a demanding test.
Shared burdens lighten, in fellowship's embrace,
Understanding's balm, a healing grace.
A sanctuary found, in shared despair,
Hope's ember kindled, a guiding star.
