The day I got the call from the home, I felt a jolt of dread in my chest. I rushed there as quickly as I could, my mind racing with worry and fear. When I walked into her small room and saw her lifeless body lying in bed, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Things truly fell apart in that moment. My mum was the angel in my hell, my sanctuary when everything went wrong — as it quite often did. Her presence was a constant source of comfort and strength for me. She was so close to her God that her spirituality seemed like an aura, enveloping her and everyone around her. Spending time with her made everything seem a little bit better, a little bit more bearable.
Without her in my life, I really did think my chips were up. I’d dodged so many bullets throughout my life that I knew I must have a guardian angel. I believed that angel was my mum, with her constant contact with her higher power. Her unrelenting prayers for me had always made me feel protected and loved. Without her, I felt completely lost, and for a while, I truly was.
After that horrible day, things quickly spiralled out of control with my drinking. I had already been drinking more heavily due to the stress of my mum falling ill and the responsibility of organising a care home for her. Stress, for me, was more like wanting to run and hide from my problems and life, as I usually did. For almost a year, I engaged in full-on blowouts, trying to escape the pain and avoid facing the harsh truth. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t hide anymore and had to give up, surrender or die.
Six months ago, I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and since then, there has been a steady stream of little miracles, God moments, breadcrumbs along the path. One of the most constant and comforting signs has been a box of my mum’s handwritten journals, prayer books, and books with inspirational sentences and paragraphs underlined. It felt as though my mum has been with me every moment of the last six months, guiding me and providing strength. I know she will be with me for the rest of my life.
I miss you so much, Mum, but I feel your presence with me every day. xx
My Angel
Dread, a cold stone in my chest,
A frantic rush, mind a tempest.
Her room, a tomb, a lifeless scene,
Reality's hammer, sharp and keen.
My angel, my sanctuary, gone,
A world shattered, lost and alone.
Her spirit, a sun, a guiding light,
Warming shadows, making things right.
Without her, a cliff, a perilous fall,
Dodged bullets, a lucky recall.
Her prayers, a shield, a loving art,
Now lost, a broken, shattered heart.
A downward spiral, a reckless flight,
Drowning sorrow, a fading light.
A year of darkness, a painful haze,
Lost and empty, an endless faze.
A flicker of hope, a new start,
AA's doorway, a healing art.
Miracles unfold, a gentle grace,
Mum's words, a comforting embrace.
Her journals, a map, a guiding hand,
Her spirit with me, each day I stand.
And fight the darkness, by letting go,
Seeking signs, finding a God, I know.
I miss you, Mum, with all my might,
Your love, my angel, my guiding light.
