On February 10th, 2024, I reached a breaking point. After 34 years of living a life fuelled by alcohol and chaos, I was utterly broken. Alcohol had become a relentless companion—one I didn’t want but couldn’t imagine life without. What once served as a distraction from life’s challenges had become a source of immense difficulty. I had forgotten how to live without it. The moment I finally surrendered, admitting I’d had enough of this toxic friendship, marked the beginning of a profound awakening and a return to myself.
Each day since has been a journey—challenging, yes, but manageable, 24 hours at a time. I wake up with the intention to live that day as the best version of myself, and when I go to bed sober, I reflect on my actions, seeking guidance from my Higher Power for any mistakes. Knowing I’ve done my best makes it a good day. Sobriety hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been as hard as I once imagined. I spent most of my adult life, and much of my childhood, running from reality with alcohol and, for a time, drugs as my escape. But without those crutches, life has come into sharp focus—and it turns out life isn’t as frightening as I feared. In fact, when you show up for it, it reveals breathtaking beauty.
This year, I have learned to meet each day with a sense of wonder and amazement. The world around me is filled with joy—from the tranquillity of a starry night to the simple industriousness of squirrels in a church garden. I find beauty in the rustling leaves of a tree, in the genuine laughter of friends, and even in the peaceful quiet of my own thoughts. These moments remind me that life is rich and worth living.
Interacting with people has become a source of connection rather than anxiety. I have formed genuine friendships, built on trust and openness, friendships where there is no judgment and where every word shared stays within the bounds of that conversation. For so long, I believed that people wouldn’t accept the real me, but I’ve discovered that authenticity draws others closer. These relationships have become a cornerstone of my new life.
A pivotal point in my journey was being introduced to the 7 a.m. Alcoholics Anonymous Step 11 sunrise Zoom meeting by my sponsor. This space has been transformative, particularly for my social anxiety. Despite there sometimes being 60 or 70 people in attendance, I never feel overwhelmed. I can share openly and without stumbling over my words. The reading from page 85, starting with “It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels,” has become a cornerstone of my day. Even when I was still on Step 1, living Step 11 daily made a significant difference. Through these meetings, I have made beautiful, lifelong friendships with people who truly understand me because they have lived with similar struggles.
Another crucial element of my journey has been full surrender. Accepting suggestions without judgment and embracing the guidance of my brilliant sponsor allowed me to start the steps with an open heart. My sponsor’s support has been invaluable—he didn’t seek to change me but rather guided me to discover the person I truly am. His encouragement, insight, and openness, provided me with the tools to confront my fears and develop a sense of self-worth that had long been buried.
Reflecting on this past year, I can only describe it as a journey of rediscovery. By living this beautiful new sober life, I have come to know and seek my Higher Power—my God—every single day. I find peace and joy in that pursuit, and each moment spent in connection deepens my understanding and gratitude. Sobriety has not only saved my life but enriched it beyond measure. Life is no longer something I hide from; it’s a gift I cherish. Each day I seek to live fully, appreciating the miracle of existence and striving to be a source of light and compassion for those around me.
My life now is not defined by the mistakes of the past but by the hope and joy of each new day. Each step forward is a testament to the strength found in surrender, the guidance of my God, and the unwavering support of the friends and community I have found on this journey. As I continue to grow, I remain deeply grateful for the opportunity to live, love, and seek a connection with my God, knowing that each day offers a chance for renewal.
The Lazarus Effect
The breaking point, a frozen shard of February tenth,
Thirty-four years, a life fermented in the cask of chaos,
Alcohol, a phantom limb, a constant companion I cursed,
Yet clung to like a drowning man to a splintered plank.
A toxic friendship, a dance with the devil in dim-lit bars,
My reflection a stranger, eyes hollowed out by the ghost of regret.
Then, surrender, a white flag raised in the battlefield of my soul,
The dam burst, a torrent of tears washing away the lies I told myself,
A profound awakening, like a seed cracking through concrete,
A return to self, a Lazarus rising from the ashes of addiction.
Twenty-four hours at a time, a mantra whispered in the dawn,
Each day a canvas, painted with intention, brushed with grace,
Sober nights, a mirror reflecting a soul slowly healing,
Guidance sought, mistakes acknowledged, a whispered prayer to the vast unknown.
Sobriety, not a prison, but a key unlocking the cage of my fears,
The crutches discarded, the world no longer a blur, but a symphony of senses,
Life, not a monster to be wrestled, but a lover to be embraced,
Breathtaking beauty unveiled, a masterpiece hidden in plain sight.
Wonder in the rustling leaves, joy in the laughter of friends,
Tranquillity in the star-dusted sky, industrious squirrels in a church garden,
The quiet of my own thoughts, a sanctuary I had long abandoned,
Life, a rich tapis woven with threads of the mundane and the magnificent.
Connection, not anxiety, but the bridge to authentic relationships,
Trust built brick by brick, openness the currency of vulnerability,
No judgment, only acceptance, the safe harbour of shared secrets,
The real me, finally seen, finally loved, finally free.
Seven a.m. Zoom calls, a digital sunrise illuminating my soul,
Sixty, seventy faces, yet I never feel lost in the crowd,
Words flowing freely, a river of truth carving its path,
Page 85, a compass guiding my steps, a reminder to stay vigilant on the path.
Surrender, not weakness, but strength, a hand reaching for help,
Suggestions embraced, guidance welcomed, the sponsor a beacon in the storm,
Not a sculptor moulding clay, but a gardener nurturing growth,
Fears confronted, self-worth unearthed, a treasure buried beneath the rubble.
Rediscovery, the journey of this year, a phoenix rising from the flames,
Higher Power, my God, a constant presence, a guiding light,
Peace and joy in the seeking, gratitude overflowing like a river,
Sobriety, not just a life saved, but a life amplified, a life lived in vibrant hues.
Life, no longer a shadow to hide from, but a gift to be cherished,
Each day a miracle, each breath a testament to the resilience of the human spirit,
A source of light, a beacon of compassion, a hand reaching out to others,
The past, a stepping stone, not a shackle, the future a canvas waiting to be painted.
Hope, joy, renewal, the cornerstones of this new life,
Strength in surrender, guidance from above, support from those who understand,
Growth, gratitude, connection, the melody of my soul,
Living, loving, seeking, a dance with the divine, a poem written in the language of grace.
