“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
My Step Eight
Writing my list was harder than I expected. Not because I couldn’t remember the harm – I could though – but It was because naming it felt like pulling back a curtain on moments I’d rather forget.
But also – strangely – it felt like a release. Like I didn’t have to carry the weight in silence anymore.
Some names made me wince. Some made me cry. Some surprised me – I hadn’t realised how much my actions had echoed out into others’ lives.
But there were also names tied to things I didn’t even remember doing. Because of my tendency for alcoholic amnesia – blackouts that kicked in after just a few of the many drinks I’d go on to have – some of the harm I caused others wasn’t a memory, it was an account. A story that I had to be told the next day. Someone else’s words, describing my actions. And quite arrogantly, I used to brush it off by saying, “Well if I don’t remember it, then it didn’t happen.” As if memory was the only thing that gave an event weight. As if my forgetfulness could somehow erase their pain.
There were also names I didn’t want to write down – not because I couldn’t, but because I was scared. Some of those people were, and still are, the kind of people you really don’t want to upset. The thought of not only admitting the harm but one day possibly facing them to make amends filled me with fear – not just of emotional discomfort, but of real consequences. I worried for my own safety.
But I had to remind myself: this step is not about forcing amends. It’s not about going out recklessly to make peace with every person I ever wronged. It’s about becoming honest with myself. About admitting, without defence or denial, where I have caused harm. That’s where the healing starts. That’s where the change begins.
This isn’t about punishment. It’s about growth. About moving from regret into responsibility.
Some people on my list I may never see again. Some may not want to hear from me. That’s okay. Step Eight is about willingness—about becoming the kind of person who wants to make things right, whether the opportunity arises or not.
And slowly, I do.
From the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Step Eight is about facing the past with courage and compassion. We’re not yet making amends—that comes in Step Nine—but we are preparing the ground. And the soil we’re working with is our relationships: the people we’ve hurt, the wreckage we’ve left, and the truth we’ve avoided.
This isn’t about shame. It’s about honesty. And willingness. Willingness to stop hiding, to stop blaming, and to look clearly at the impact of our actions.
We’re not writing this list to punish ourselves. We’re writing it to heal. To take responsibility, not with self-hatred, but with humility and hope. We harmed people—but we can also grow. We can learn to live differently.
This is the beginning of repair.
As the Twelve and Twelve puts it:
“The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another human being, our emotions go on the defensive… To escape looking at the wrongs we have done, another’s sins become all-important.”
Step Eight invites us to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. To stop focusing on how others hurt us, and instead reflect on the harm we caused—however unintentionally.
And then: become willing. Willing to make it right, as far as we can. That willingness is everything. Even if we’re not sure how to do it yet, or whether we’ll be received. The Step is not about outcomes. It’s about heart posture.
We name the names. We face the truths. We begin to open the doors we once slammed shut.
Step Eight Prayer
My God, My Higher Power,
Grant me the courage to face the truth of my past,
To see clearly the harm I have caused others,
Not with shame, but with honesty and humility.
Help me to become willing,
Willing to name each person I’ve hurt,
Willing to take responsibility for my actions,
Willing to grow beyond who I was.
Where fear holds me back, bring me peace.
Where pride clouds my vision, bring me clarity.
Where danger is real, give me wisdom and protection.
May I remember: this is not about punishment,
But about becoming someone who lives with integrity,
Who chooses love over ego, healing over hiding.
Prepare my heart for what comes next,
Whether amends are possible or not.
And guide me to walk gently,
With compassion for others – and for myself.
Amen.
Excerpts from the Big Book & Twelve and Twelve
Big Book – Chapter 6: Into Action, page 76:
“We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes.”
Twelve and Twelve – Step Eight:
This chapter explores the nature of genuine accountability – not with crushing guilt, but with mature reflection. It reminds us that we are not unique in having harmed others; what matters is what we choose to do now. Willingness is the bridge between acknowledgment and amends.
The Pebble in the Pond
I thought it was small,
just a lie,
a sharp word,
a broken promise
I told myself they’d forget.
But it rippled.
The pond of their life
shuddered,
the circles spread wide,
farther than I knew.
Now, I see,
my part,
my power.
But I also see,
my path.
I may never stop,
the ripples.
But I can choose
what I send next.
Not the stone of harm,
but the hands of peace.
Of making right.
Of walking humbly.
The Homework Bit
Exploration:
Look back over your Step Four inventory and Step Five discussions. Who did your behaviour affect? Directly or indirectly? Don’t overthink or over-edit. Just write the names as they come.
Questions to consider:
- Who have I harmed through my addiction or self-centred behaviour?
- Are there people I’ve hurt by omission – by not showing up, by being absent or unreliable?
- Who still comes to mind when I think of regret?
Inventory:
Make a list of all the people you have harmed. For each person, note:
- What the harm was.
- Why you think it happened.
- How making amends might help bring healing (to them, to you, or both).
- Whether you’re currently willing to make amends.
Be honest. If you’re not ready yet, that’s okay. Just name it: “Not yet willing.” We’re building willingness here, not forcing action.
Example:
Dad
- Harm: Lied repeatedly, borrowed money I never repaid, was emotionally distant.
- Why: Pride, fear of disappointing him, addiction-driven denial.
- Possible healing: Honesty could restore some trust.
- Willingness: Not ready to speak yet, but willing to prepare.
Preparation:
This week, set aside time daily to reflect on your list. If willingness is lacking, pray or meditate on it. Ask your Higher Power to guide you toward the courage and clarity you need.
