Todays writing is dedicated to a good friend, Paul, my AA sunrise soul brother who’s life ended yesterday – 04/01/2025, you will be missed but never forgotten ❤️
As I approach a year on my sober journey, I find myself reflecting on a year that has been both incredibly challenging and profoundly rewarding. When I began, I was utterly broken—completely open to anything because I had finally realised that I couldn’t stop drinking by sheer willpower alone. More than that, I couldn’t navigate life alone either. Looking back now, I truly believe I was carried through those early days by a power beyond myself. This wasn’t just the God of my understanding; it was also the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and the remarkable serendipity that led me to my incredible sponsor.
With my sponsor’s guidance, I started working the steps almost immediately after surrendering. The first step came easily—I had already admitted my powerlessness over alcohol countless times. But in the past, after that fleeting moment of acceptance, there was only emptiness. Life and my addiction would inevitably reclaim control.
The steps, however, offered me something radically different: a new way to live. They helped me confront my past, make amends, and, most importantly, forgive myself. These steps aren’t just milestones I completed; they’re tools I rely on daily. They’ve taught me how to be mindful of my actions and their ripple effects in the world around me. I’ve learned to pause, breathe, and resist the destructive reactions that once ruled my anxious mind.
Because of the steps, I’m no longer merely a spectator in my own life. Today, I participate—I serve, I help, and I contribute. This sense of purpose has replaced the helplessness that used to consume me.
Each morning, I start my day with a reflection from the “Everything AA” app. These reflections align with the steps, and as January begins, I’m revisiting Step One:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”
The first time I worked through all twelve steps, it took me about six months. While I didn’t rush, there were moments when I wished I’d spent more time on certain areas of personal growth. Now, with nearly a year of sobriety behind me, I’m embracing the opportunity to sit deeply with each step, dedicating an entire month to truly live and reflect on its lessons.
This month, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be powerless. My lack of power was most evident in my inability to resist that first drink. There were times I could say no—usually only when I absolutely had to—but once I took that first sip, all bets were off. One drink was never enough. The cycle of drinking, forgetting, and surrendering control to addiction would begin almost immediately.
But my powerlessness extended beyond alcohol. I lacked control over my emotions, my interactions, and my behaviour. This inner turmoil often triggered that first drink of the day—the one that “broke the seal.” In those moments, I didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, nor did I care about my own. Yet, when the haze of oblivion lifted, I cared deeply. The remorse, shame, and self-loathing would crash down on me, and I’d desperately want those feelings to disappear. And so, the relentless cycle would begin again.
The day I surrendered fully and accepted my complete powerlessness over this illness was the day everything changed. Without realising it, I also acknowledged all the other areas of my life where I lacked power. Step by step, I’ve been able to reclaim what I had lost.
Today, as I look back on the path I’ve walked, I see a transformation: I’ve gone from powerless to Power Full.
Power Less or Full
We admitted,
a surrender,
not of will,
but of illusion.
Alcohol,
a cruel master,
stripped bare
the fragile edifice
of self-control.
Lives unmanageable,
a testament,
to the chaos,
that reigns,
when power,
is misplaced.
Powerless,
not a defeat,
but a liberation.
From the tyranny,
of the ego,
the illusion,
of absolute control.
Powerless over,
the whims of fate,
the judgments of others,
their actions,
beyond my reach.
But empowered,
by acceptance,
by honesty,
by the courage,
to face,
the truth,
of my own limitations.
Powerless over the past,
but free,
to shape the present,
to cultivate,
a future,
building,
on a foundation,
of love, truth,
and self-compassion.
