Before I joined Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), I spent most of my life in a state of profound disfavour—not just from others, but from myself. It felt as though I was trapped in a wilderness, lost and utterly bewildered by the direction my life had taken. The landscape of my existence was a tangled, confusing mess, and I had no idea which way to turn. A dear friend of mine, in one of our many deep and enlightening conversations, coined a term that perfectly captured this experience: “Bewilderness.” It was the perfect word to describe the lost and disoriented state I found myself in for so many years. I wandered aimlessly through life, refusing to ask for directions, stubbornly avoiding the paths that others had cleared before me. Looking back, I can hardly fathom why I chose that path of resistance and isolation.
As I reflect on those dark times, I realise how much energy I wasted trying to maintain control over a life that was spiralling out of my grasp. The irony was that the more I tried to control, the more out of control I became. It was a vicious cycle of denial, fear, and self-doubt. Every day felt like a battle against myself, and the terrain of my life seemed increasingly unforgiving. Yet, despite all the signs and warnings, I continued to ignore the wisdom of those who had walked this path before me. I was determined to forge my own way, even though deep down, I knew I was hopelessly lost.
The turning point came when I finally mustered the courage to surrender. It was not an easy decision, and it certainly didn’t happen overnight. But slowly, I began to accept that I could not do this alone. I needed help. It was then that I turned to AA and, for the first time in a long while, asked for directions. This act of surrender was the beginning of my journey toward recovery. I started to follow the path laid out by those who had gone before me—those who had found their way out of the wilderness with the help of their higher power and the support of the AA community. The relief was immediate and profound. Suddenly, life became simpler, more manageable. I no longer had to struggle to control every aspect of my existence; instead, I could focus on taking each step, one day at a time, along a path that had already been well-trodden by others.
Now, as I continue on this path of recovery, I understand that there isn’t a final destination in the traditional sense. Rather, the journey itself is the destination. My goal is no longer to arrive at some perfect endpoint, but to live each day fully, with the knowledge that I am on the right path. When the time comes for me to lay down in the final days of my life, I hope to do so with the peace of mind that comes from knowing I lived as fully and authentically as possible. I want to look back and see a life well-lived, where I was present and engaged in every moment of the journey.
Reflecting on my story, I see how much I’ve grown since those early days of bewilderment. The path I’ve chosen is not always easy, but it is filled with beauty and companionship. Along the way, I’ve encountered people who have enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. The scenery has been breath-taking, not in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual growth I’ve experienced. My journey with AA has taught me that the most important thing is not where the path leads, but how I walk it. And today, I walk it with gratitude, humility, and a deep sense of connection to something greater than myself.
Bewilderment in the Bewilderness
Lost in a labyrinth of my own making,
A tangled mess, a confusing breaking.
Bewildered by the path I'd chosen,
A life adrift, a soul unspoken.
Trapped in a wilderness of my own mind,
A state of despair, hard to find.
Denial, fear, and self-doubt's grip,
A vicious cycle, hard to slip.
A friend's wise words, a guiding light,
"Bewilderness," a fitting plight.
Surrender's call, a brave new start,
A journey inward, a healing art.
With AA's support, I found my way,
A path to follow, day by day.
Gratitude, humility, a newfound grace,
A life transformed, a peaceful place.
