For much of my life, I lived behind a mask, presenting a version of myself that wasn’t real. The things I did, the words I spoke, and the way I interacted with others were often lies or half-truths. I was never truly myself because, in truth, I had no idea who that person was anymore. The fear of being found out was constant, so I kept people at a distance, making sure that different areas of my life—family, work, and friends—stayed separate. It wasn’t that I had close friends anyway, just acquaintances. I was terrified that if they got too close, my web of pointless lies would unravel. It all started when I was 12, after winning a fight at school. That moment transformed me into someone I wasn’t—a more “popular” version of myself. Over time, I created different versions of “me” depending on who I was with, and eventually, I lost sight of who I truly was. To escape the pain of living this lie, I turned to alcohol and substances.
In the past seven months, without the numbing effects of alcohol to hide behind, I’ve had to confront this pain head-on. I didn’t do it alone, though. Through my involvement with AA, the support of my sponsor, and my connection with a higher power, I’ve been able to release the guilt, anger, regret, and fear that weighed me down. I’ve realised that those false, fragmented versions of myself were corrosive, and now they’re gone. My mind feels clear for the first time in years, but that clarity came with a challenge—I had to rediscover who I truly am.
In the beginning, I wasn’t sure if I could trust this new version of myself. Was this authenticity just another role I was playing? Was my mind crafting another character to fit the expectations of my new life, family, and friends? It took time, but over the last few weeks, I’ve come to see that this is the real me. There’s no longer a need to hide behind different masks for different people. I don’t wake up filled with anxiety, worrying about what I said or did the day before. Today, what you see is what you get, whether people like it or not.
One of the biggest changes is that I’m now fully present for my family and my new, genuine friends. I no longer feel the need to retreat behind a bottle or concoct a false persona to make others happy. The fear of being “found out” is gone because there’s nothing left to hide. For the first time in a long time, I can say with confidence that I’m 100% authentic—or at least 99.9%.
In discovering my authentic self, I’ve realised something incredible: I actually like who I am. It’s a feeling I never thought I’d experience, but it’s real, and it feels good. For the first time, I’m living as the person I was always meant to be.
Authentic
A mask, a façade, a carefully crafted lie,
A prison of self-doubt, where shadows hide.
Fear's icy grip, a constant, chilling dread,
As secrets tangled, a web that's spread.
A fragile construct, a hollow shell,
A desperate yearning for something to quell
The pain within, the emptiness so deep,
A shattered soul, a broken heart to keep.
But in the darkness, a glimmer of hope,
A chance to break free, to truly cope.
With newfound strength, a journey to start,
To piece together a shattered heart.
Through trials and tribulations, a path is found,
A sense of self, a newfound ground.
Authenticity, a precious, rare gem,
A treasure unearthed, a new life's stem.
No longer bound by fear or shame,
A liberated soul, a new-found name.
Embracing the truth, with courage and might,
A journey of self-discovery, shining bright.
