Feeling out of place has been a constant theme in my life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to fit in with anyone or in any situation—at least, in what you might call the “normal” world. However, there was a significant shift when I had a few drinks or used some kind of stimulating substance. In those moments, it felt as though I belonged everywhere. This is why alcohol and drugs became my closest companions; life simply didn’t feel right without them.
Ironically, the friends and places where I felt a sense of belonging while under the influence often seemed foreign to me during those brief moments of sobriety. It was like being trapped in a surreal world where everything was just slightly off-kilter.
I want to clarify that, despite what I’ve shared, I’ve had a relatively normal life. I have a family and have experienced joy during significant life events, like my wedding and the birth of my children. Yet even in those moments of supposed happiness, I often felt like an imposter. I frequently found myself reaching for a drink to take the edge off. On the outside, I was performing, giving people what they wanted to see, but deep down, it never truly felt right.
Since I decided to let go of the security blanket that alcohol provided, I have embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I realised I never truly knew who I was; somewhere along the way, I had become lost in a character, desperately trying to fit in. The ironic part is that I was never actually lost; I had simply spent so much time trying to control the show and play the lead role that I lost sight of reality altogether. I was living in a chaotic world of my own making, one that I couldn’t seem to control.
Now, I understand that I am not the star of this grand production we call life. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that I am simply “Tree number three” in the play. My role is to shake my branches and be the best tree I can be while everything else unfolds around me.
Since I’ve adopted this perspective, I’ve started to feel like I belong. I’m genuinely happier, and my family has noticed the positive change as well. I also have a wonderful group of friends who are on the same journey with me through Alcoholics Anonymous. With them, I never feel out of place; instead, I feel connected and understood. This newfound sense of belonging is something I cherish deeply.
Lost and Found
A stranger in a world that felt so strange,
A misfit, lost, a solitary range.
To fit in, sought, a fleeting, false embrace,
In altered states, a temporary place.
Where alcohol and drugs, a comforting friend,
A veil of bliss, where troubles would descend.
But sobered, a surreal, distorted view,
A world askew, where nothing felt true.
A normal life, a mask, a charade,
A hollow shell, where joy could not evade.
In moments bright, a feeling deep inside,
An imposter's heart, where doubts would abide.
To let go, to find, a path unknown,
A journey inward, to claim one's own.
A character lost, a soul to mend,
A chaotic world, where dreams would contend.
No star of the show, just a humble tree,
To shake the branches, wild and free.
A newfound peace, a sense of grace,
Belonging found, no more displaced.
