Reflecting on my life with newfound clarity, I see now how many chances I had to let go and invite my God into my life. From the beginning, my mum, deeply connected to her Christian faith, seemed to have a “direct line” to God. My brothers and I would joke about it because we never got away with anything—she always knew! But I didn’t connect with her idea of God; to me, it felt like a God of punishment, focused on sin and guilt. So, I did everything I could to avoid her God.
Later, I met another version of God through Mr Heven, my personal tutor when I was too ill to leave the house. He was also Christian but was very spiritual, embracing Buddhism, Taoism, and his love for writing and poetry. I admired him, but as a kid, I didn’t really understand his beliefs or his God, so I didn’t try to.
Then came a period when life felt empty, like something was missing. I looked for answers in all the wrong places, using substances like LSD and magic mushrooms. They made me feel like I’d found what I was looking for—a sense of spirituality, of my “true self.” But after a while, reality blurred, and harder drugs became part of my routine. Eventually, I crashed and, with nothing else to turn to, I turned to alcohol. It felt acceptable because “everyone gets drunk,” but alcohol only trapped me in a cycle.
I spent years in an alcoholic limbo, putting on a front as a good husband and dad but mostly doing what I had to in order to reach my next drink. I numbed the relentless voice that told me “something’s missing.” This cycle only broke eight months ago. On 10th February, I hit rock bottom; alcohol, once my escape, had become my prison, taking away my health, my peace, and my life. In desperation, I asked for help and found it in Alcoholics Anonymous, through a simple yet powerful phrase: “A God or higher power of your understanding.”
Since then, the grip of alcohol has lifted, and the fog has cleared. I’m finally beginning to understand what I’d been missing. The phrase “of your understanding” opened a door to a genuine search, and on 10th March, I met my own version of God, my higher power. Every day since, I’ve sought to know them better, and this search has brought me the peace and purpose I was looking for all along.
The Illusion of Escape
A shadowed past, a hidden face,
A heart that yearned, an empty space.
A mother's faith, a distant sight,
A God of judgment, a fearful plight.
A gentle guide, a different view,
A spiritual quest, a path untrue.
A search for solace, a fleeting bliss,
A downward spiral, a dark abyss.
A prisoner of addiction, a captive soul,
A life unravelled, out of control.
A desperate plea, a cry of heart,
A higher power, a sacred start.
A fog that lifted, a clearer sight,
A newfound peace, a burning light.
A journey inward, a sacred search,
My spirit renewed, a different church.
