This morning, as my sunrise fellowship gathered for our AA Step 11 Zoom meeting, I felt a lingering fogginess. The night before, I’d succumbed to a craving and devoured an entire ‘Giant Share Bag’ of gummy sweets. Despite the name, I didn’t share them; they vanished within minutes. The bag was overflowing with neon blue candies, a recipe for disaster. As expected, the sugar high was intense, fuelled by the artificial blue dye (E133). Sleep was elusive, and though I attempted to read, my focus was impaired. This wasn’t just a physical reaction; the sugar and additives affected my mental clarity, leaving me feeling sluggish and unfocused.
This morning’s meditation brought a stark realisation: one of my character defects, ‘enabler,’ was rearing its ugly head. I thought I’d conquered this, but it was clear I hadn’t. I bought the sweets ostensibly for my teenage daughters, who rarely show interest in them. The truth is, I was enabling my own addiction, blindly indulging without considering the physical and mental toll. This highlights a deeper issue: my struggle with self-control and my tendency to prioritise my own desires over healthier choices. It’s a reminder that recovery is an ongoing process, requiring constant vigilance and a willingness to confront my underlying issues. The insidious nature of addiction means it can manifest in unexpected ways, even seemingly harmless actions like buying sweets.
Over the past year, my spiritual exploration has deepened. I’ve delved into various philosophies and religions, seeking wisdom and guidance on my path to recovery. This morning, the wisdom of fasting and vows of silence truly resonated. These practices aren’t solely about inner peace and connection to the divine; they’re about physical discipline, self-control, and cultivating compassion for oneself and others. By temporarily abstaining from certain pleasures or forms of communication, one can gain a deeper understanding of their motivations, break free from habitual patterns, and cultivate a more mindful and compassionate approach to life. It’s about recognizing the interconnectedness of mind, body, and spirit.
While a bag of sweets might seem trivial, it served as a powerful reminder. My addiction is insidious and will exploit any weakness. I can be ‘dry drunk,’ indulging in other behaviours that lead to unhappiness and misery. This is a path I refuse to tread. I’m happy and sober now, and I intend to stay that way. This requires ongoing effort and a commitment to self-awareness. I must remain vigilant in identifying potential triggers and developing healthy coping mechanisms. Sobriety isn’t just about abstaining from alcohol; it’s about cultivating a fulfilling life free from unhealthy dependencies and destructive patterns.
This Haribo incident (other brands are available) offered a valuable lesson. I’ll be more vigilant in identifying areas where I’m enabling others for my own gain. Instead, I’ll focus on encouraging behaviours that promote both their well-being and my own peace of mind. This shift in focus requires a conscious effort to prioritise the needs of others and to cultivate genuine compassion. It’s about moving beyond self-centredness and embracing a more altruistic approach to life. True peace comes not just from self-improvement but also from contributing to the well-being of others.
Sugar and Silence
Sunrise fellowship, a chorus of shared breath,
but my mind echoes with the thud of neon blue.
A giant bag, a sugary abyss,
consumed in a frenzy, a communion with chaos.
The artificial glow, a counterfeit joy,
leaving me adrift, a ship lost in a sea of sugar.
Meditation, a beacon in the fog,
reveals the enabler, a familiar shadow.
Self-sabotage disguised as parental care,
a bitter irony, a twisted desire.
The struggle with self-control, a serpent coiled within,
prioritising pleasure over peace, a soul adrift.
The wisdom of silence, a whisper in the storm,
fasting not from food, but from the noise of desire.
To feel the emptiness, to hear the whispers within,
to connect to a deeper source, a quiet strength.
Mind, body, spirit, a delicate dance,
each step a conscious choice, a path towards wholeness.
The Haribo incident, a catalyst for change,
a mirror reflecting the shadows within.
Enabling others, a veiled form of self-indulgence,
a need to control, a fear of true connection.
Now, a shift in focus, a turning towards compassion,
prioritising others, a path to true peace.
