Even though I’m now on the right path in my journey through life and have reached the first milestone along the way—a path shaped by many alcoholics before me—I still find some of the terrain challenging at times. One of my biggest obstacles is a deep-rooted fear of connection. I’ve never been very comfortable around other people, and in the past, I never truly allowed anyone to see the real me. I hid parts of myself, wearing different personas depending on who I was with or where I was, like a protective shield. This constant pretence prevented me from forming any genuine friendships or relationships because, more often than not, what I said wasn’t the truth.
I was reflecting on this during one of my meditation practices the other day. In one of my daily sessions, I spend about 30 minutes not trying to clear my mind or relax but simply sitting quietly and focusing on a single question or thought. I let my train of thought run its course to see where it leads. Some days, it leads nowhere, but on other days, it sparks inspiration. Regardless of the outcome, I practise non-judgment, and at the end of the session, I either let go of the thoughts or write down any insights I’ve gained.
During this particular session, while reflecting on my fear of connection, I realised it’s hardly surprising I struggle with this. I spent much of my childhood in isolation, not fully attending school until I was eight. Then, just as life was beginning to feel somewhat normal, I experienced what felt like the ultimate betrayal from the person I loved most—my mum. She had taught me to be a Christian, instilling in me her God’s commandments and rules. But then she broke those very rules by having an affair and leaving my dad. Although I now understand why, at the age of eleven, I couldn’t. It shattered my perception of the world, throwing my mind into chaos.
To be clear, I’m not trying to make excuses for my addictions or the unmanageability they brought to my life. I know I have an illness, and I’m certain that even if my perception of my mum’s God hadn’t been shattered or my stability hadn’t been destroyed, my addictive tendencies would have surfaced eventually and taken control of my life.
Reflecting on my fear of connection, I can see that I am getting better at facing it, one day at a time. I now have a few genuine friends with whom I am completely honest—no masks, no lies, just the real me. When I speak to new people, there’s no smoke and mirrors, just openness. I’m also becoming better at listening because I no longer feel the need to constantly think about what to say next. The conversation just flows because it’s authentic.
Since joining AA, so much has changed. I am learning to be more open and vulnerable, which has been one of the hardest but most rewarding parts of my recovery. Every day, I challenge my fear of connection, pushing myself to build genuine relationships and let people see the real me. It’s not easy, and some days are harder than others, but I am slowly learning to trust and to be trusted. This journey has taught me that connection isn’t about perfection or saying the right things; it’s about being present, being honest, and allowing myself to be seen. I’m far from perfect, but I’m showing up and trying, one day at a time.
The Terrain of Trust
A path carved by ghosts of thirst,
I walk it now, a milestone kissed.
But the terrain shifts, a treacherous climb,
a fear of touch, a wasted time.
My heart, a fortress, walls so high,
built brick by brittle lie.
Each persona, a shield I wore,
the real me hidden, evermore.
Thirty minutes, silence deep,
a question lingers, secrets sleep.
My mind, a river, flowing free,
to the source of this unease in me.
A childhood fractured, innocence lost,
a world upended, a heavy cost.
The church's commandments, a broken vow,
a mother's betrayal, I see it now.
Not blame, nor excuse, I understand,
the pull of addiction, a grasping hand.
But the seeds of isolation, they took root,
in the barren landscape of my youth.
Yet, dawn breaks through the darkest night,
a flicker of courage, a fragile light.
Honesty blooms, where lies once reigned,
a few true souls, my heart has gained.
No smoke and mirrors, no masks to hide,
just open words, where truth resides.
Listening deep, the chatter stills,
connection flows, my spirit fills.
AA's embrace, a gentle hand,
vulnerability's uncharted land.
Each day a challenge, a step I take,
for genuine bonds, my heart to break.
Not perfection sought, nor perfect phrase,
but presence felt, in honest gaze.
To be seen, truly, flaws and all,
I rise, I stumble, but I don't fall.
One day at a time, the walls give way,
to trust and be trusted, come what may.
This journey's echo, a whispered plea,
connection's solace, setting me free.
