In the long years leading up to my final surrender—the moment I began handing my alcoholic will over to my God each day—I carried a deeply jaded view of God. My mother was a devout Christian who knew her God on an intensely personal level. Until I turned eleven, her God was also mine, not by choice but out of a desire to please her. I even declared myself a born-again Christian at one point, leading to my baptism in a mountain stream, surrounded by people who loved guitars and rainbows. It was a scene of serene beauty, but beneath it all, my faith was borrowed, not owned.
Everything shattered the day the most Godly person I knew broke one of the Ten Commandments that had been ingrained in me daily: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” The hypocrisy was too much for my young, impressionable mind to bear. In that moment, my mission became clear—I would prove the nonexistence of this demanding and controlling God my mum worshipped. Her God, who had created these Ten Commandments that seemed less about love and more about control, had failed me. Confused and hurt, I set off on a journey of rebellion and self-destruction.
My mission was simple: to dismantle everything I had been taught. In doing so, I plunged myself into dark places, both in my mind and in the world around me. I found solace in chaos, hitting the “sod-it” button with alarming regularity. Whenever reality felt too harsh, I sought escape through drugs or drowning myself in drunken oblivion. Looking back now, with the fog lifted and my vision no longer blurred by resentment, I can see the pattern. My rebellion wasn’t just about disproving God; it was about challenging the very foundation on which my life had been built.
Ironically, my determination to disprove my mum’s God made me more studious than I realised. I sought out religious texts, philosophies, and worldviews, all with the intent to expose their contradictions and flaws. I was convinced that all religions were merely systems of control, full of commands and prohibitions—“Thou shalt not!” echoed in my head like a curse. But as I absorbed all this knowledge, something unexpected happened. Unbeknownst to me, I was laying the first bricks on the foundation my mum had set long ago.
The day the fog finally lifted was in an AA meeting, of all places. Someone spoke about “a God of your understanding.” It was like a key turning in a long-rusted lock. Everything clicked into place. It was no longer about proving or disproving; it was about allowing myself to find my own understanding. Not long after that moment, my eyes began to open fully. I started to see my God working in my life, guiding me in ways that were gentle yet profound. For the first time, I understood that I would never face the world alone again.
Today, I don’t solely believe in my mum’s God—that was her relationship, not mine. My God is not confined by denomination, does not demand obedience, and doesn’t issue strict rules or punishments. My God has only one guiding principle: Loving kindness. I’m still on this journey of seeking and understanding, but not with the intention of finding definitive answers or disproving anyone else’s beliefs. I search simply because I find joy in the journey itself.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
My search is grounded in daily actions, guided by ten suggestions I strive to live by each day:
- Just for today, I will live through this day only, not burdening myself with the problems of a lifetime.
- Just for today, I will be happy, embracing Abraham Lincoln’s wisdom that “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
- Just for today, I will adjust to what is, not trying to force everything to meet my desires. I will accept my circumstances as they come.
- Just for today, I will strengthen my mind. I will learn something useful, avoiding the trap of mental laziness.
- Just for today, I will exercise my soul by:
- Doing a good deed without seeking recognition.
- Doing at least two things I don’t want to do, just for discipline.
- Concealing hurt feelings, choosing dignity over resentment.
- Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak kindly, act courteously, and avoid criticism or attempts to control others.
- Just for today, I will follow a programme. I might not follow it perfectly, but having a plan will save me from hurry and indecision.
- Just for today, I will take a quiet half-hour, to reflect and gain perspective on my life.
- Just for today, I will be unafraid—of beauty, of joy, of giving and receiving love.
And my own addition 😉❤️
- Just for today, I will live in loving kindness towards all people, places, and things.
These are not rigid rules but gentle suggestions—a roadmap that keeps me grounded and open to the world. In living this way, I continue my journey of seeking, understanding, and embracing a God of my own understanding.
Eye’s Wide, Heart Open
The Ten Suggestions, not commandments carved in stone,
but whispers of grace on a heart long overgrown.
A mother's God, once mine, then shattered like glass,
a commandment broken, a faith left to pass.
The "Thou Shalt Nots" echoing, a prison of control,
a young heart rebelling, seeking a different role.
The "sod-it" button pressed, a plunge into the dark,
drugs and oblivion, a flickering, dying spark.
But even in chaos, a seed was being sown,
a quest for truth, a path to be known.
Religious texts devoured, philosophies explored,
a mission to disprove, a war to be scored.
Yet, irony's hand, a foundation laid deep,
the very knowledge sought, secrets it would keep.
An AA meeting, a key in a rusted lock's turn,
"A God of your understanding," a lesson to learn.
No proving, no disproving, just a heart opening wide,
to a gentle guidance, a love that would abide.
Not the mother's God, but a spirit of grace,
no demands, no obedience, just loving kindness' embrace.
The journey continues, not for answers defined,
but for the joy of seeking, a peace of mind.
Just for today, the mantra softly spoken,
not a lifetime's burden, but a present moment woken.
Happiness chosen, like Lincoln's wise decree,
adjusting to what is, setting the spirit free.
Mind strengthened, with knowledge as the tool,
soul exercised, in acts gentle and cool.
Good deeds unbidden, disciplines embraced,
hurt feelings concealed, with dignity and grace.
Agreeable spirit, kindness in every deed,
criticism silenced, a gentler path to lead.
A program followed, not a rigid design,
but a guide through the day, a structure benign.
Quiet reflection, a half-hour's reprieve,
perspective gained, a chance to truly believe.
Unafraid of beauty, of joy, or love's embrace,
giving and receiving, with open heart and face.
And one more whispered, a love all-encompassing,
for people, places, things, a gentle, kind crossing.
Not rules, but suggestions, a roadmap for the soul,
grounded and open, making the spirit whole.
The Ten Suggestions, a pathway to the light,
a journey of seeking, with loving kindness' might.
A God of understanding, found in the heart's core,
a love that surrounds, forevermore.
