As I have now fully embraced my geekiness, I’m finally being true to myself — a far cry from who I used to be. That old era of my life was defined by sadness, restriction, loneliness, frustration, people pleasing, and most of all, fear. I was consumed by a constant, vicious inner dialogue that told me I wasn’t enough, that no one would accept the real me. So, I became a chameleon — adapting, hiding, masking. But the price was high: I lost myself in the process.
I couldn’t resist writing something where I could use a Star Wars line, especially with it being May the 4th tomorrow. The first Star Wars film, Episode IV – A New Hope, came out the year I was born: 1977. I wasn’t quite cinema-ready then, but my two older brothers made sure I was indoctrinated early. I fell in love with everything Jedi — alongside Doctor Who, He-Man, Transformers, and Spider-Man. But as I got older, the need for acceptance took over. I buried that part of myself. Geekiness wasn’t cool, and the version of me I pretended to be would mock the kind of person I truly was — even going so far as to ridicule others who proudly displayed their vintage figures. I wasn’t just hiding; I was rejecting myself daily.
But today? Today I’m walking a new path. I’ve been on a journey of sobriety — 1 year, 2 months, and 23 days, to be precise — and in that time, I’ve started to meet the real me. The version of me I’d locked away behind years of alcohol and drug addiction. I’m still learning who that person is, but I know this much: he’s honest, open, spiritual, and no longer afraid of his passions. He’s not defined by the fear of judgment anymore. That’s because recovery — through Alcoholics Anonymous — has given me more than just sobriety. It’s given me clarity, connection, and something I never expected: the Force.
Around three months into AA, I started to feel something shift. It was like my heart, my mind, even my senses were awakening. I began to sense this energy — a presence — flowing through the people I met in the fellowship. It was especially strong in those who had fully embraced the programme: worked the 12 Steps, given themselves to service, and dedicated each day to seeking their higher power. That’s when I realised — I wanted that too. I wanted to grow spiritually, to live with purpose, to walk the light side of the Force. I began to think of my spiritual growth like a Jedi’s training — and I wanted to become a master. More Midichlorians, please!
For the non-geeks: “Midichlorians are microscopic lifeforms that reside within the cells of all living things. They allow individuals to sense and use the Force. The more Midichlorians a person has, the stronger their connection to the Force.” And while I know that’s fictional, it beautifully mirrors what I’ve been experiencing. The more I surrender to the AA programme, the more I practice prayer, meditation, honesty, and service — the stronger this Force within me becomes. It’s real. It’s tangible. And it’s changing me from the inside out.
I now spend my free time actively seeking. Seeking connection, understanding, meaning, and my higher power — my God. I know I’ll never fully “find” God in a literal sense; how can you find something that is both everywhere and nowhere? But I feel God’s presence, just like the Force Yoda described:
“For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.”
That quote speaks to me on a soul level. Recovery has shown me that we are luminous beings. We’re not the damage, the past, the pain. We are more. And like any good Jedi-in-training, I’ve gone in search of more wisdom. I’ve found so many parallels between the Force and the spiritual principles in AA:
“The greatest teacher, failure is.” –Yoda
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering” – Yoda
“The belonging you seek is not behind you… it is ahead.” – Maz Kanata
Those lines don’t just sound good — they are good. They hold truth. And today, I am no longer stuck in the past or paralysed by fear. I’m walking forward, each day guided by something greater than myself. I strive to be better, to grow, to connect, and to live honestly — even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
So yes — I’m a geek, and proudly so. But more importantly, I’m sober, and alive in a way I never was before. Every day I feel the Force growing stronger in me, because every day I choose to walk the right path — one of truth, humility, faith, and hope. And to anyone who might be struggling, whether with addiction, identity, or just the weight of being human: remember this…
“Hope is a hard thing to kill.” – Leia Organa (Star Wars: The Last Jedi)
May the Force be with you, always!
Luminous Beings We Are
The child knew the stars
before he knew shame.
The boy held a lightsabre in one hand,
and infinite dreams in the other.
But the world taught him
to trade his light
for camouflage.
Fear whispered:
“They won’t love the real you.”
So he disappeared.
Not all at once
a slow fade,
like twin suns slipping below a Tatooine horizon.
To belong,
he became many things.
But never himself.
He drank to drown
the echo of the child.
He laughed at what he loved,
until love no longer spoke.
He forgot the way
back to the Temple within.
And yet,
even in exile,
the Force waited.
Not in thunder,
but in silence.
Not in fire,
but in fellowship.
Not in power,
but in surrender.
He heard it, finally,
the hum beneath the noise.
A presence, ancient as breath.
In the circle of twelve,
among wounded warriors with open hands,
he felt it.
The Force is not earned.
It is remembered.
It does not punish.
It invites.
Let go of the saboteur within,
and the path clears.
Let go of who you were,
and become who you are.
A Jedi trains in stillness.
So too does the soul in recovery.
Meditation is the lightsabre of the spirit.
Honesty — the Kyber crystal.
Service — the way of the light.
You are not your cravings.
You are not your past.
You are not the masks you wore
to survive.
You are luminous.
You are becoming.
Each day, the Force grows stronger in you,
not because you strive,
but because you yield.
Midichlorians are not magic.
They are metaphor.
When the soul aligns with truth,
the Force flows freely.
Do not seek to become a master.
Seek only to remain a student.
The galaxy does not need your perfection,
only your presence.
And when fear returns,
and it will,
speak gently to it.
Say:
“You no longer drive the ship.”
Then breathe,
reach inward,
and feel the Force.
It is in you.
It is in me.
It is in every hand held in a meeting,
every story shared in trembling honesty.
It is in failure,
and in the fierce courage,
to begin again.
The dark side thrives in isolation.
But light,
light is found in the joining.
So walk the path.
Stumble, you will.
Just do not stop.
And always,
when in doubt,
look to the stars
and whisper:
"May the Force be with me."
It and you’ll realise it already is.
