Before learning how to live without my addictions having full control of my life, I genuinely believed I was cursed. I thought that my presence in any situation, or around any other person, would inevitably bring them misery or lead to some kind of epic failure. It felt like I was walking bad luck. But what I’ve come to realise is that all of that negativity was in my own mind. I was allowing it to take root, feeding it with every poor choice and destructive thought, and then projecting it outward onto the people around me. It wasn’t a curse—I just hadn’t yet learned how to live in a healthy and honest way.
Today, that way of thinking is no longer part of my daily life. I’ve come to see that my old mindset was shaped by fear, shame, and resentment—things that the AA programme has helped me confront. Through working the Twelve Steps and learning to live the AA way, I’ve begun to shift my perspective. I’m not a curse; I’m just a person who used to be lost and is now learning how to be found, day by day. And there’s real, tangible proof of this change. Ever since I started showing up with a more open heart and positive outlook, the people in my life have seemed lighter, more at ease. Situations that used to spiral into chaos are now manageable. And even when things don’t go the way I hope, it’s not the end of the world anymore. I can ride it out with a sense of calm and trust that things will eventually be okay.
One of the most powerful tools I’ve found to support this mindset is starting each day with gratitude. It’s something so simple, yet profoundly grounding. Before I do anything else in the morning—not even checking my phone or making a cup of tea—I write down three things I’m truly grateful for. Some days it’s big things: my sobriety, the people I love, the peace I now feel inside. Other days, it’s smaller but no less important: the sound of birds outside, a good night’s sleep, or just the fact I’ve woken up sober again. This small ritual anchors me and sets the tone for the rest of the day. It reminds me that no matter what’s going on, there is always something to be thankful for.
Gratitude, I’ve learned, isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice. It’s something I have to actively choose, especially when life gets a bit tough. But thanks to what I’ve learned in AA, I now have the tools to keep choosing it. When challenges come up—as they inevitably do—I try not to react with panic or despair. Instead, I look for the lesson, for the bit of growth, or even just for the reminder that I’m not going through it alone. Living the AA way means taking life one day at a time, doing the next right thing, and trusting in something greater than myself. It’s not about perfection, but about progress—and gratitude keeps me moving forward.
These days, even when things don’t go to plan, I still find they tend to work out okay. Maybe not in the way I imagined, but in a way that brings growth, or clarity, or just a deeper understanding of myself. And I think that’s the real blessing. The so-called curse is gone—not because the world has changed, but because I have. I’m no longer stuck in a cycle of fear and self-destruction. I wake up each morning and choose gratitude, and that one small act is helping me build a life I never thought was possible.
Not a Curse, But a Way
The river never curses the rock,
it simply flows around it.
So too, I learned:
my suffering was not punishment,
but resistance.
I once believed I brought ruin,
just by showing up.
That my shadow bent the light,
that my breath soured the air.
But these were ghosts I invited in,
fed with fear, clothed in shame,
and called by name as truth.
How easy it is to mistake,
the echo of our own sorrow,
for the voice of the world.
How often we sit in darkness,
not realising,
our hands are covering our eyes.
In time,
I uncovered the silence beneath the noise,
a still place,
where honesty whispers,
"You were never cursed.
You just hadn’t yet,
learned how to be well."
The way forward is not wide,
nor paved with certainty.
It is a quiet path,
one step,
then the next right one.
The Twelve Steps,
do not lift me into perfection,
they bring me to ground.
They do not erase the past,
they teach me to hold it gently,
to learn from it,
and let it go.
Each morning I rise,
not as a prophet,
not as a broken thing,
but as a person,
choosing gratitude,
before tea,
before worry,
before the world opens its jaws.
Three small things,
a quiet breath,
a remembered kindness,
a bird in the rain,
become my anchors.
Gratitude is not just a feeling;
it is the soil in which peace grows.
It is the gate through which,
fear cannot pass.
Now, when storms come,
and they do.
I do not run.
I sit in the wind,
listen for the lesson,
and trust that calm will follow.
This is the Way:
not flawless,
but faithful.
Not fast,
but steady.
Not loud,
but true.
I am not a curse.
I am not the chaos.
I am the one
who is learning to rise.
And that is enough......
