My first AA meeting passed in a blur, and afterwards left me feeling overwhelmed but with the underlaying feeling that I’m no longer on my own. In the meeting I was given a small pack to read, in there was a small card with “Just for Today” at the top, and then I read the short verses after the title and my mind calmed and I understood my life was going to change. The AA Just for today is now my guide for the day, my daily to-do list, and I do my absolute best to tick all the boxes off every day now.
My First Meeting
Walking through the door at my first AA meeting I had so much fear, I was truly broken, and just couldn’t go on the way I was any longer. Even though I still had a relationship with my wife (only just), my children (just because I was their dad), and my dad (who’s love is unconditional, but told me that love was on thin ice), I also still had a very good job (that I was neglecting), my life was back on that final decent, spiralling out of control “again” this time much faster than last.
I was teetering on the edge, just about to fall for the last time.
Today I can definitely say that walking through those doors and sitting in that circle saved my life.
Friends in Fellowship
When I sit in the AA meeting rooms, I now feel part of something much bigger than just me, and my tiny world. At first, I just sat there listening to everything all the other people in the room were sharing, not saying much just the occasional hello when someone said it to me. It didn’t take long for me to start feeling a common connection with a lot of the people in the rooms, and from that made some exceptionally good friends.
Aids to Contented Sobriety
Humility, Honesty, Faith, Courage, Gratitude, Service
It takes a while to get humility, honesty, faith, courage, and gratitude, but once you start getting the hang of it after practicing them on a daily basis, they start to be a working part of your life, and you stop having to try and just do. Once you start living, feeling, and caring, service to another person just comes naturally, without any expectations, just the joy of doing.
Cracks
Life gives us a knock and this causes a crack to appear, we then turn to alcohol to try and fill the crack and it does for a very short time, but then as always this drains away, so we fill it again and again, we don’t realise that alcohol is corrosive.
Let Go, Enjoy the Journey
Letting go used to be something I couldn’t do, everything and everyone around me had to be exactly right, exactly how I wanted them to be. This led me down a very dark road, when things didn’t go my way then that would fuel my negative thoughts, my inner dialogue would then torment me so much, like a back seat driver, the only way to silence it was to drink to blackout……..
Sunrise Morning Medication
I attend a fellowship meeting every morning, if not in person online. For me this has now become a very important part of my day, just like taking my daily pills that keep me heathy and alive, the meeting, the connection, and the meditation, are now all part of my daily medication for body, mind, and soul.
44 Days Sober
44 days into my recovery from the illness of alcoholism I have started to get some odd feeling and emotions, with my mind really playing tricks on me. I have had feelings of loss almost like mourning the loss of a loved one, the main emotion being grief, and my mind telling me that it wasn’t that bad, reminding me of all the so-called good times drunk,
Better Out Than In
Before I started my journey with AA I found it very hard to really open up to anyone, literally bottling up my emotions, worries, feelings, and most things I wanted to say to people (and should have), this fed my constant inner dialog with a lot of negativity causing my anxiety and ADHD to get unbearable, so then having the knock on effect of reaching out for any substance that would make it shut up.
Learning to Observe my Mind
Learning to observe my mind and not acting on my thoughts has been a valuable skill that is taking a lot of practice but is starting to become part of my daily routine. Here are some techniques I have been using to get me through each day when the cravings in my mind start to appear, or my mind is working in overdrive in overthinking mode.
No Neutral in Recovery
In one of the morning meetings one of the wiser old’ish timers in the meeting said “There is no neutral gear in a alcoholics recovery, if you’re not moving forward, then you’re in reverse”
Early Start to the Day
Since I started my sober journey with AA I have been getting up really early every morning, I started doing this so I could attend the daily sunrise meeting at 7am but now I just do
You Were There All Along
“God’s being is my life, but if it is so, then what is,
God’s must be mine and what is mine God’s. God’s is-ness is my is-ness, and neither more nor less. Then just live eternally with God, on a par with God, neither deeper nor higher. All their work is done by God and God’s by them.”
Meister Eckhart.
The Uncarved Potential
In Taoism, the concept of “Pu,” literally meaning “uncarved wood,” signifies a state of pure potential. It represents the mind’s original condition, untouched by the complexities of experience. This concept encourages a way of seeing free from preconceived notions and judgments. It transcends the limitations of duality, dissolving the boundaries between good and bad, right and wrong, beautiful and ugly. This state of mental unity, where perception is unclouded by bias, allows the practitioner to align with the Tao, the natural flow of the universe.
60 Days Sober
I couldn’t get through 1 day sober 60 days ago and without the help of AA, the sunrise meeting, the face to face meetings, my sponsor, my family, my new like-minded friends…..
If I’m Wearing it, Then I’m Sharing it
Someone shared with me that in their own words “I hate happy f@%kers” unfortunately I think that was a comment directed toward my current demeaner,
The Eeyore Effect
I read a paragraph in the brilliant book “The Te of Piglet” by Benjamin Hoff, this short exert pretty much sums up how my mind used to work, the voices, the constant inner dialog in my head was basically Eeyore. Every waking hour of my day was made negative, no joy in anything, and everything was just made so much harder, the only form of happiness was my twisted sense of humour finding sarcasm and life’s sufferings funny whilst doing my best to escape into oblivion with several bottles.
Stop Sitting On Your ARSE
A, Anger – R, Resentment – S, Self-Pity – E, End
I love the AA one liners, “One Day at Time”, “Easy Does It”, and “Live And Let Live”, these one liners help my unusual mind remember the important things. On the morning meeting a good friend I have made in AA, introduced me to a one worder, basically the word “ARSE”
Perfectly Imperfect
We all get stuck sometimes, living in the shadow of unrealistic expectations. We hold ourselves back, paralyzed by pride and the fear of judgement. We ruminate on failures, using them as an excuse to numb ourselves. We overthink every step, building mountains out of molehills until the simplest task feels like climbing Everest. The joy gets sucked out by the grind, and we never celebrate our accomplishments because they’ll never be perfect. But there’s another way. We can stop the overthinking and just start doing. We can embrace imperfection and admit that nobody expects us to be flawless. We can act with confidence and a happy heart, knowing that progress, not perfection, is the goal. We can even celebrate failure, because it’s a teacher. Let go of the fear and just do it.
Happiness Is An Inside Job
Over the last few months, I’ve had people saying to me “how are you so happy all the time” and “Why are you happy when things aren’t going so good”. The answer is, I have no answer, I just am. I don’t understand this myself as I have never felt this way before,
The Curse Lifted
I used to think I was cursed, that me being in any situation or around any other person would mean misery for them or epic failure for the situation, but now I know that was all in my mind and I was allowing it to be there, then projecting it on others, this is no longer the case, and the proof is in the pudding, ever since I have been happier and more positive everyone else in my life has been happier, and situations turn out much better (most of the time), and if they don’t well the world is no longer going to end.
The Day I Met My God
Message to sponsor – March 10th
Well I’ve had the ultimate God moment this morning!! 🙏
I went to church this morning (because I wanted to and not because I had to) and it was nice a few of the school mums and dads were there, the pastor came and said hello, really nice to see you again,
Then the last hymn…..
The More I Seek My Goodness, The More I Find My God’ness
My mum was a very spiritual person who loved God above everything else, I always thought that she had a direct line to God, as she always had the right answers, and always said the right things. She taught me the Bible up until the age of 11, took me to Church, and made me go to Sunday school (kicking and screaming), but I never truly got it, and I questioned everything to do with religion and spirituality, and basically once I’d let the illness of addiction take over I then did everything I could to fight against it….
The Old School House Garden
There’s a place where I now sit at lunch when the weather permits, in a garden at the old school house, this place is now very special to me because in the small room in that building I started my journey finding out who I truly am. Before setting off one small step at a time on this quest of self-discovery and freedom, the feeling I constantly had, was me being a square peg and life, everything, and everybody, was a round hole, never fitting in, never feeling like I was right. To make myself right, and fit in was a constant battle of lies, diversion, and hiding, that drove me crazy, causing depression, anxiety, and ultimately me trying to escape in any way I could, usually to the bottom of a bottle,
Universal Power
In my heart, I believe there’s a singular, divine force behind everything. It’s a force so vast and all-encompassing that it transcends the labels and interpretations we use to define it. We humans, with our limited understanding, have created different religions, each a unique path to grasp the divine. It’s like looking at the same mountain from different angles. Each view offers a distinct perspective, but the mountain itself remains singular and grand.
Observing The Storm In a Tea Cup
In the quiet moments of my day, as I let go and let my higher power guide me, I’ve noticed a peculiar pattern. My mind, ever the relentless critic, has become more adept at digging into my faults, fears, and flaws. It meticulously collects the smallest infractions, the tiniest worries, and stores them away. At first, I don’t even notice this quiet accumulation. But when my mind decides it has gathered enough, it unleashes them all at once, overwhelming me with a sudden flood of self-doubt and anxiety….
Sobriety on a Plate
One of the things I love about attending meetings is listening to other people sharing, the meetings where people are being truly honest, truly themselves when sharing are the best as that’s when the most inspirational messages are projected. After a lot of self-reflection, observing my own mind, and getting to know how it works, I now understand that my head needs things to be in a simple but genius format for it then to be able to chew it over, and over, then actually make it into a complicated poem full of metaphors and synonyms, this may sound crazy but it works for me and keeps my totally over active brain busy and entertained.
Lunch In The Garden
Today at lunch, I found myself drawn to the church gardens across the road from my office, a serene oasis amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life. Seeking a moment of tranquillity, I settled on my camping chair beneath the shade of a silver birch and closed my eyes to meditate. The gentle breeze rustling leaves and the distant chirping of birds formed a soothing symphony that lulled me into a peaceful state. What I believed to be a brief five to ten-minute respite stretched unexpectedly, as when I finally opened my eyes, almost an hour had passed.
Progress Isn’t Always Linear
The journey of recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous is often likened to climbing a mountain. With each step, you gain a clearer perspective, a stronger sense of self, and a deeper connection to your higher power. As you ascend, you may find yourself exhilarated by the progress made, the challenges overcome, and the newfound freedom. However, it’s crucial to remember that this mountain isn’t conquered once and for all; it’s a continuous climb, with ups and downs along the way.
The Interrogation
My usual Tuesday morning routine involves an early start, allowing me to attend the 7am sunrise AA Step 11 meeting across the road from the office. However, one morning, upon returning to work and starting to make coffee, I was unexpectedly confronted by another manager. His first question was about my mysterious early morning disappearances on Tuesdays and Thursdays, followed by a barrage of inquiries about my general morning activities.
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